It's Been Rough

“My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my life and my portion forever.” Psalm 73:26 NIV

I’m not even sure where to start... I’ve had several other posts sitting in my drafts to be posted in the last few weeks but none of them were coming together how I wanted. Truthfully, I don’t even want this post to be about me but a few people have been asking how I’ve been doing… I can’t really find the words to express how I am. I’ve been feeling overwhelmed, distracted, anxious, and discouraged. Overwhelmed because studying for this CSET exam is proving to be a lot more than I anticipated. Distracted because I can’t seem to focus on much of anything these days, which leaves me feeling anxious. Discouraged because the weight of loss has been heavy on my mind for a while now and it’s been even heavier these last few days.

The atmosphere has been dense with grief this week. Watching different celebrities pass on has been rough in the past but this one hits a little differently. I’ve never seen so many young people hurting behind loss. For many, Nipsey Hussle was more than a music artist - he was a mentor, a source of motivation, a piece of hope for the future (but let’s be real, ya boy was good with the bars too). Music has a huge impact on people but a person’s heart does way more. Personally, I’ve always admired Hussle’s passion for his community and his continuous uplifting of those around him. It’s disheartening to know that he was killed in a place that welcomed so many people, a place that stood for caring for others and promoting positivity. It’s disheartening to think of his family, his friends, and everyone affected by his loss. You know the loss is great when everyone feels the shift of emotions even days after the tragedy.

I went to work on Monday feeling a little sad but by Tuesday I had emotions I couldn’t even explain. It’s been a rough week. I find myself thinking of those who feel lost since Sunday’s tragedy. I keep thinking about how music is deeper than the song itself. I felt discouraged, even aside from all of that, because I’ve reached a point where I’m in the place that I prayed to be in and now that I’m here I feel lost. We’re about to get a little personal - not because I’m into putting my business online but I do believe in a degree of transparency. Also, I’ve had people message me about this blog and say it spoke to them in one way or another, and that’s why I’m here.

Throughout my college experience, I lacked a sense of direction and had a hard time trusting in God’s plan for me. When His plan was made clear to me, I struggled with feeling like I wasn’t good enough. There were days where God seemed so far away. I caught myself focusing on everything but God and reeled myself back into His plan, and things were okay. Now, I’m back to that place. I have no idea what I’m doing with my life right now. I mean, I’m studying for this exam to become a teacher, I have my interview with my credential program this Saturday, I’ll be applying to permanent teaching positions in the next month, but I still feel like something is missing. There’s a piece of me that feels guilty/empty because I’m living the life that Brett and I talked about and he’s not here to see it. I’m 25 now and this age seems to come with so many expectations and responsibilities and, truth be told, ya girl is struggling. I’m about to enter a new chapter in my life (I actually hate when people say that lol) and I’m extremely nervous. If teaching doesn’t work out, then what?

To add onto the personal pressure I have placed on myself, everyone has been in my ear with the questions of life. When are you getting married? Do you want to have kids and if so, when because you’re not getting any younger? Have you considered buying a home in the next couple of years? What subject do you want to teach? Do you plan on moving to get different teaching offers? First of all, chill lol.

Then there are days where I wish I didn’t have to talk to anyone. I could lock myself in my room for a few days and just sleep. I could skip work, turn my phone off, and just be with my thoughts. Is that bad? Is it normal to have days where you just don’t have it in you to do anything? I have friends and family that are so supportive and I appreciate it, I do, but there are times where I just don’t feel like I have the strength. I notice that it’s in those moments where someone will text/call or I’m reminded of something great, and it gives me that extra push. I remember that God is only a prayer away, even when it feels like He’s unreachable. I know that I am loved, I know that God’s got me, and I know that I will be okay. But for now, I could use some encouragement.

This post was all over the place, much like my brain lately. If you’re feeling weighed down by life, remember that tough times don’t last forever and that current sorrows can’t compare to the joy that is coming. If you’re going through something, keep going. If you’ve experienced the loss of someone, go give someone else the motivation he/she gave you. Build yourself up in the Lord and let Him guide you. And finally, my inbox is always open to anyone who needs someone. Stay strong y’all.

“We just embrace the only life we know. If it was up to me, I’d tell you ‘live your life and grow’. I’d tell you, ‘finish what you started, reach them heights’, you know?” Nipsey Hussle, Racks in the Middle

All My Love,

Tyler