One Year Later
It’s been a looong time. If you’re new here, my name is Tyler, welcome to my thoughts. The last blog post I made was around this time in 2021. Life looks completely different a year and some change later. I’ll do my best to catch you up on what my world looks like now but here’s my disclaimer: I’m still figuring a lot of things out, so welcome to what life looks like when you’re in the middle of what you’re going through. No edits, no filters, just life.
In order to catch you up to now, I should probably rewind a little bit to last year. I spent majority of last school year teaching online which we all know was a hot mess express. We did eventually return for the last 8ish weeks of school, but I only had to teach in person for two days a week because my class is really small. I had all these grandiose plans on how I was going to spend my summer - traveling, blogging, starting a podcast, conquering the world. Yeah… no. After completing the first year of this post graduate program and finishing that school year I had very little energy. It was my first summer where I didn’t have to work or go to class and instead of engaging in all those huge plans, I spent a good amount of my summer on the couch. I was completely burned out and went through a little bit of depression. I did travel here and there - Atlanta, Southern California, mini road trips every now and again. Throughout last year I went to Portland, Seattle, Salt Lake City, and I recently came back from Mexico. I also got COVID last summer. 🙃
Interestingly, by the time I got COVID I was actually in the best place, mentally. Quarantine was boring and on the second to last day I went to the ER but everything turned out okay. It’s currently my third year teaching and like I mentioned, I recently came back from Cancun, Mexico. I got to cross a few things off of my bucket list but I think I’ll save those details for a different post. I spent Christmas in San Diego and then got sick - supposedly I tested negative for COVID but it definitely felt like I had it a second time. Shortly after that San Diego trip, things flipped around in my world.
My grandmother passed away in my house on December 30th and the grieving process is… well, I’m still trying to find a word for that. My original intention was to wait until I was “done” grieving or going through whatever this is to share everything, but I learned last summer there is no timeline for emotions. Things come in waves. In the shortest summary, my grandmother had a lot of strained relationships and we were not particularly close. I have typed this next sentence out about 20 times now because I’m trying to explain something that I find a lot of people don’t relate to. I never had close relationships with my grandparents and now that they are both gone, I find myself feeling sad because I did not have a “normal” relationship with either of them. Without violating the privacy of family members and out of respect for those whose grieving process looks differently than my own, I will say that the lack of relationship with my grandparents was not because of anything I did or did not do. Dealing with the trauma of someone dying in your house takes some time to process too. Last summer, I joined a grief support group. We met once a week and it was a place of healing, community, safety, and love. The lessons and conversations from that group are still carrying me through this time. I find myself feeling extra grateful for those that check in on me, allow me to vent, cry, talk, and find a way to move forward.
In brighter news, I just finished a 21 day fasting, study, and prayer plan with two of my friends. Well, actually, they fasted, I did not lol. It was a social media fast that, in that time, I felt I didn’t need because I convinced myself that I was managing my time and intake of social media really well and had moved past the part of my young 20s where I compared myself to those online. I do take breaks from the internet here and there though. Speaking of young 20s, your girl turns 28 in a few days and I just… what?! I feel like I have been in my 20s for 20 years, but I also feel like I was 21 about 4 months ago. Sometimes I look at pictures from my early 20s and laugh because I kind of look the same but I’ve thankfully grown through a lot since then. What else? I am contemplating where and when my next trip will be. For now, I’m taking things one day at a time and am in a period of God telling me to wait. So I’m waiting… it’s hard sometimes. I like to know what’s coming next but I’ve learned there are definitely blessings in patience because it’s always worth the wait. I’m in my last semester of this credential program and I will be soooo grateful when May comes!
I meant to tell you earlier that it’s okay if your grief doesn’t look or feel like anyone else’s. It’s okay to feel things that you can’t always describe. It’s okay to not be okay. There is no timeline of grief. Some people might understand you completely and some people won’t get it, and it’s okay. You will be okay, even on the days you don’t feel like it. Take care of yourself and don’t let anyone make you feel guilty for it (last summer we called that self first, not selfish). I don’t exactly know what happens when you turn 28 but I’m excited to keep living out my childhood dreams and crossing things off my bucket list. Little Tyler would be proud of who I am today. See you soon, for real this time lol. Until my next post… wash your hands, love on those around you, and treat yourself.
All My Love,
Tyler
“And God is able to bless you abundantly, so that in all things at all times, having all that you need, you will abound in every good work.” 2 Corinthians 9:8 NIV